Morning ritual
by loopy-1981
Summary: Xander faces his feelings ~Warning M/M~


morning ritual Title: Morning ritual   
Author: Loopy_1981   
Email: [loopy_1981@yahoo.com][1]   
Page: [http://www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/hall/9088][2]   
Feedback: do I really have to beg!   
Archive: If you want to just Email me and tell me where it's going   
Fandom: Buffy the vampire slayer   
Pairing: Xander/ Angel   
Rating: PG   
Disclaimer: joss owns them   
Summary: Xander faces his feelings   
Warnings: some season 3 spoilers. Angel has returned from hell   


**Morning ritual**

******************************   


Each morning I wake up and look over at him lying there fast asleep. I have this little morning ritual that no one knows about, not even him. I open my eyes and watch him as he sleeps, watching his eyes shut, his lips pursed, his body curled into the blankets, his head resting on the pillow. I watch as he sleeps so peacefully that he almost looks child like in this state of utter happiness. His 'curse' is no longer a factor to his happiness, apparently when willow returned his soul to him she took the happiness clause out so he can be free to be happy. I watch him and wonder to my self how did I get to be so lucky. How did I get to have him? How did I go from being the abused child, to being his associate, to us being lovers, to being each other's everything? I reach out till my hand is touching him and I run my fingers along his cheek bone touching to make sure his is really here all though by now I should realize it isn't a dream it is real. Sometimes I wonder if this is all a dream if it's all a joke that one morning I will wake up to find out it is not real, but he tells me that if that ever happens I am to go straight to him and he'll make it real again. I know if it is fake if it's a dream I will die, I couldn't live knowing how I feel when I'm with him, and then have it all Vanish. 

I still remember the morning it almost all disappeared, the day the dream almost ended. He told me while we were still tangled in each other's arms, that he never wanted to lose me ever. When I'm ready he is going to get help from spike. He also said I would be getting my soul just like him without the happiness clause so we could be happy with each other for all eternity. I wasn't pissed that he would think about having me turned. I wasn't afraid of eternity because eternity meant with him and of cause I wanted a soul I didn't want to become the things he/we fight against. I was pissed and up set at that he was getting spike to do it, I began to think he didn't want to do it, he didn't want to claim me for himself for forever, that he didn't want me. I jumped up out of bed untangling my self from his arms I didn't care that I was naked, I started crying I couldn't help it I couldn't stop the tears all my fears were coming back, fears of he no longer wanted me for forever. That he was giving me to spike. 

He ran to me from the bed and I ran away grabbing some sweats pulling them on quickly as I descended down the stairs running away from my fears, running away from him. He ran after me just like I expected him to just like I wanted him to. He was yelling at me telling me don't leave, telling me to stay and not to run that he was sorry for having plans of forever, sorry for moving too fast. He apologized for everything but he never explained or apologized for the one thing I wanted him to. 

He grabbed my body just before I had a chance to run out into the sunlight where he couldn't follow me. 

"I want you, don't you understand that, that's why I want you turned so I can have you so we can have each other for eternity."   
  
"But spike." 

"Spike so what?" why wasn't he understanding where I was coming from he could he not understand it. I couldn't stand it any longer I pulled out of his arms and opened the door making him fall onto the ground scrambling away from the sunlight as I began to walk away till I heard him say. 

"I need you. I'm sorry for being selfish." 

That was it I couldn't stand there and let him think that was why I was running. I turned around and began to walk back inside closing the door so he wouldn't have to curl into a corner hoping the sun wouldn't reach him. "I'm not running because you want me for eternity because I want you to. You're not selfish because I need you to." 

"Then why are you running." He began to relax out of the corner knowing the sun was gone. 

"Spike…why him and not you?" I could see the realization come over his face, as he understood what I meant. 

His arms instantly wrapped them selves around me, as his mouth was kissing my neck, his fingers running along my stomach and I was helpless to his actions he knew my weaknesses and was playing on some of them. He turned my body so I was facing him his fingers wiping away some tears I didn't know had fallen then he spoke. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize what you meant when you questioned about spike earlier. I want to have you mine and mine alone but I don't know how it will work out because of with my soul, I don't know how guilty I will feel for taking your life. But I'm that selfish I'm going to have it taken. I'm sorry if I'm scaring you but I want you that much. I want spike to sire you because he is my childe and he won't be able to do anything to you with out my knowledge, what is his is mine, he is my most trusted and favorite childe until you are turned then you will be number one. Also because the sire/childe relationship is a statement of who is the dominate partner, the sire is generally very brutal, very mean, they abuse there childe, the childe knows there place and if they step out of line then they are be punished. The sire moulds the childe into there ideals; they even rape them for there own gratification. And once the childe becomes what the sire wants them to be they generally cast them away no longer bothered with them. I don't want to be your sire I know that if I am I will push and pull you till you are in pieces. I can't be your sire for these reasons I can't be that person I won't put you through that. Spike will sire you but then I will claim you so he no longer has any holding over you. I want to be selfish and sire you I hate that spike will be marking you, drinking from you, I hate that you will be drinking form him but I can't think of any other way for it to happen. " 

"And how do you know spike will do it, willingly sire me and then give me up." 

"He won't have a choice I'm his sire he'll do what he is told." His face became a shower of guilt and anger at how he had spoken "see…. See what I just said I don't want that to be us, I don't want to order you. But once a sire sires it's a natural instinct to order and boss and abuse. I want us to be equal." 

That day hasn't come yet but I know it will, I know the day will come when Angel hunts down spike and orders him to do it. I'm no longer afraid that he doesn't want me I understand mostly what he meant that day he explained the ritual of both siring and claiming, basically a whole blood sucking thing. 

I'm drawn out of my thoughts as I hear him whimper his eyes flutter at the dream he is having. My fingers travel to his lips there so perfect; he's so perfect. Sometimes I can't think about life before him, it's almost like life started when I was with him and anything before that, just was. Most mornings I do this for about 30 mints just touching his face or simply watching him as he sleeps. 

I can hear him moan I look at him and his eyes are twitching, his body jerks now his face screws up. I know now it's not a dream he is having, it's a nightmare. I slide over and wrap my arms around him reassuring him of things like you didn't do it, your no longer in hell or I'm still here. I'm never quite sure what the nightmares are about. I feel as he instantly relaxes once my body touches his; I'm proud I am capable to calm him down and for this I know that he needs me and we need each other. I need him I want him. I am slowly realizing more each day till today that I love him. We haven't said I love you to each other but we have made plans for eternity. I think I know why we haven't said I love you. Because I love you is more then plans it's a statement to both of us, a declaration that we weren't ready for or I wasn't any way. We have both have come close to saying it so many times. But have backed down at the last minute. 

We haven't even really spoken about what it is we have we just know what the other one wants or needs. I know he wants to label it and tell every one and I sometimes think about why when it would cause so much agony for every one. But now I understand that he isn't happy that we know that he wants the whole world to know he wants to scream it out and tell everyone, to run around town holding me in his arms. He no longer wants to hide his feelings for me from others. He told me once that he understood why I was un easy about it, he simply said that one day it will come, one day I will be ready and until that day he was happy with what we had. 

Today is that day, it's no longer enough for me to know I want the whole world to know, I want him to know, I want to tell every one what I'm feeling for him 

I remember a quote something about how you can see someone every day off your life and then one day you will just 'see them' as in a whole nother light. I know this is what happened with Angel and I, I know that I just saw him one day in a whole another light and knew he was what I was looking for. 

That day was when Buffy stormed into the library announcing the news of his return saying she found him on routine patrol at the mansion. 

"Someone needs to look after him." Giles said in a monotone voice. It shocked us all. Everyone figured Giles would be on his way to staking him, but it seemed like Giles was numb. Buffy couldn't or more like wouldn't do it she kept saying no that he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve anything he was an animal who should be put down. The way she spoke about him it felt like I was being hurt. Like some one was hurting me personally. I couldn't explain it to my self but I was furious about the way she had been talking about him so furious I stormed out of the library announcing I would look after him. I remember I went straight to willies and demanded some blood the good stuff. Not sure what kind Angel drunk or would need to get better I only hoped that whatever Willie gave me would be all right. I also asked for a whiskey straight up and he just looked at me, before I demanded it. Maybe it was the vibe I was giving off or maybe he could sense something but he gave it to me and I gulped it down. Throwing some money on the counter as I grabbed the blood heading straight for the mansion I found him almost curled up, or about as curled as he could get while his arms were in chains. I stood in the doorway for what felt like hours but must have been only minutes. From the moment I saw him I knew he needed me, I knew I wanted to help him, I had to help him, not sure what or why it was then but it was then I saw him in a different light 

During the months of his recovery we grew closer until one day it happened. I often stayed at the mansion making sure he was okay during the night. One day I walked into the bathroom with out even thinking and there he was standing in all his glory naked under the shower. My body froze and my mouth dropped in aww. I watched him as he showered totally forgetting why I had came to the bathroom in the first place. Only broken out of my daze when he spoke, asking me if I liked what I saw, my head nodded before I thought about it, and my mouth was saying, "indeed, indeed I do." It was almost like I was else where and my whole body was taking over my eyes blinked as he pulled the shower curtain fully back saying "hey I've got this spot I can't reach want to wash it for me." I was totally stunned at him, his body looked like marble, hard, smooth and incredibly sexy. My eyes watched as trickles of water ran down his shoulders making there way along his chest, my body reacted to it all as I felt my self get very hard.   
"Looks like some one wants to play." since when did he become the comedian all I could do was laugh at least it broke the tension I was feeling.   
"Come on, come join me I still need that spot washed." His head nodding in a way of saying come on you know you want to come in, and before I knew it he had gotten out of the shower and walked behind me. He warped his hands around my waist letting his fingers drop to the hem of my boxers before he whispered in my ear "I wont bite. I promise. Nibble maybe but that's up to you." as he stripped me off my clothing leading me back into the shower. Then it happened, I regained control of my body. I grabbed him pulling him towards me and kissed him with everything I was feeling not caring if he was kidding, or if he just wanted some one to jerk him off. 

Knowing this was my chance to tell him how I felt I broke the kiss off and looked at him and said 

"I want you." it didn't explain everything or how I wanted him but it was the only thing I could think of "as in always." I figured I had to expand other wise he probably would have taken it, as I only want him to make me cum. Sure that was a fantasy but it wasn't how I wanted him. His arms closed around me pulling me closer to him 

"I was hoping that I wasn't Miss reading it all, I could feel something every time I walked in the room, I could sense it every time I looked at you. I also knew the way I felt, the way my mind goes every time you open a door, or the way my body goes squishy every time you look at me and give me that smile. Every time I hoped that you wanted more. I want you to, and I mean more then here and now, also I mean forever as in always." 

"Please don't be lying Angel, please don't be joking, don't be that cruel." I could feel my self crying at the idea this was some sick joke he had going 

"I'm not lying don't worry." he said as he wiped my tears away. We stayed like that wrapped in each other's arms holding and soothing the other until we were forced out by the cold water. Then we only moved the holding to his bedroom, which soon became our bedroom. Staying in each other's arms, our former erections completely forgotten about and then I feel asleep just like I always wanted in his arms. From that moment on we became each other's everything. 

We drifted off into our own world, apart form every one else, we were still a part of the gang just not as much as before. We helped when were needed, I saw them at school, and I even partied with them like before. But it was no longer what my life was about my life now had meaning; my life now had him. I moved out of my parent's home soon after that morning, Angel found a bruise and demanded to know where it had came from. Knowing we hadn't been in any fights lately I couldn't pass that off as an excuse and frankly I wanted Angel to know. So I told him the truth I told him my dad hit me the other night when he was drunk, before I finished telling the story Angel had told me I was moving into the mansion with him I was no longer going to live there. I wasn't going to stay in that house one second longer even if he had to tie me down 

The gang didn't notice anything through the years we had been friends. They didn't see the bruises; it made me think Angel cared for me more then them. They never noticed my lack of activity in the gang or noticed wherever Angel was I was or that I'd even moved out of home. Little pieces made me realize they were not as good friends as I thought they were. 

We sometimes speak about Buffy about his love he once had for her but he tells me it's over they both understand they can never be that he doesn't want to be with her. I believe him but sometimes I get overcome with fear that he really wants her and not me. 

I run my fingers through his hair knowing this relaxing him even more, I know what this causes him to do and I wait for him to start, silently I hear it till it is a hum, a constant hum of purring coming from deep in his chest. He purrs I can make a master vampire purr I am totally in love with the fact I can make a master vampire purr. That I can instantly calm him down. 

It's been the little things that have made me fall in love with him. The morning snuggles, the purring, the chocolate he brings me in bed, the way he looks in a pair of sweats or in a towel, how his hair is all tussled first thing in the morning till he gel's it to perfection. The way he still hides from me when ever he eats even after all the times I have told him he doesn't have to hide I know what he is doing. I know he tends to slip into his true mask and it doesn't bother me, because it's who he is. The list is endless. 

I gently begin to nudge him awake hoping it would be enough because I have to tell him before I chicken out, knowing it wouldn't be knowing he was sound asleep. 

"Angel, open your eyes." I say into his ear, my fingers rub his back while I try to coax him awake "I've got to tell you something." His body snuggles closer, I'm not sure if he is trying to ease himself back into sleep of just moving in his sleep I kiss his neck while my hands move down to his boxers resting on his ass cheeks 

"Come on baby wake up, Angel." my fingers move back up to his rib cage and tap them hoping to tickle him awake, but it doesn't work I try once more. 

"Angel, I'm awake and ready for you." He still slept, sex isn't even waking him up, but I still have one trick one that hopefully works. He told me once; he always wakes up when ever I leave the bed feeling his heat gone. The only other thing would be to cry for help but I'm not that mean, I begin to try and get out of bed before his arms wrap tighter and he growls 

"Don't even think about leaving this bed." My body jerks away form him not expecting him to have been awake. 

"How long you been awake, we really have to fix that whole vampire not breathing thing bloody can't tell if you are faking it or not." 

"I've been awake since about 'I've got something to tell you.' Just lying here seeing if you would tell me this thing that's so important for you to wake me up, or now I'm wondering if you were going to continue with the little trip your hands were having." He says as he pulls me closer replacing my hands on his ass. 

"How can you sit there so still when I was tickling you were so asleep." 

"It's called control, That and foreplay." He leans his head in looking for his good morning kiss which is usually in the afternoon. 

"Is everything about sex?" I ask before I grant him his wish our lips touch and our arms wrap tighter around each other feeling our bodies against each other. I brake the kiss off aware if I continue with the kiss I won't be able to tell him what I want to say. 

"Well not everything but I can't help it with you, I see you and I'm hard. So you going to keep going on seducing a asleep man." 

"Angel, your a vampire not a man." 

"Technicality. Please continue, my body is yours to play with." 

"Later studly. First off I have to say something and I have to say it…." 

He pouts as he says "Fine talk now but be warned I want sex later." was I expecting to have a straight conversation with him ever, okay he gets points for being half asleep his mind wasn't all awake but still talk about nympho. And I don't mind it one bit. I kiss away his pout. 

"When do you ever not want sex." 

"With you never. But I hear you have something to tell me." My body begins to full up with nerves again, he looks at me knowing I'm nervous about something his hand reaches out and touches my cheek 

"Don't be afraid, I'm here." 

This was it here I go "I …have to go to the bath room." I chickened out, why was I so afraid all of a sudden? We've proven to each other how much we love the other, why was I afraid to actually saying the word. 

"You didn't wake me to tell me you had to go to the bath room did you?" 

"Not really but I'm suddenly getting the urge to…" 

"Escape?" 

"Not escape hide" 

"Don't hide, say what ever you have to say, please don't be afraid." 

"I'm trying not to be afraid I'm trying to just be open." He pulls my head closer to his and kisses me on the forehead 

"When ever you're ready I'm here." 

I look down and my eyes focus on his shoulder holding him close to me as I say it "I love you." 

I feel his arms tighten around me as I feel a drop on my shoulder holding him close to me I hear him say the words I want to hear 

"I love you as well." 

I pull my head away from him and wipe his tears away "I want to tell every one I want to tell the whole world, I want to yell it to the stars. Can we go and tell willow and Buffy and Giles can we?" 

"Anything you want Xander anything in the world it's yours, as long as I can have you." 

"For eternity." I seal my promise to him with a kiss trying to devour him, never wanting to let him go. Today we would announce it to everyone. I was truly blissfully happy. 

~Fins~   


   [1]: mailto:loopy_1981@yahoo.com
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/hall/9088



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